Machete Time

Q. I live in Senior Mobile Home Park in Orange County. I have three exceedingly large agaves which the park owners want me to remove. They are spiny and intimidating. What's the best way to get rid of them? 

Danny Trejo in 'Machete Kills' courtesy of IMBD.com

To answer this question I took some inspiration from a movie hero who is also spiny and intimidating: Danny Trejo's 'Machete'.

A. Use a machete. Just hoist machete over your head, take aim, yell "MACHETE!" and bring the full wrath of your machete against the bases of the agaves leaves, starting from the bottom and working your way up, cutting them off close to their bases on the main portion of the agave.

After you've cut all the leaves (which at certain times of the year can be roasted and eaten) off you are left with a pineapple-shaped agave heart. You can do one of two things: 

1. Dig out the 'pineapple', and throw it in the trash, or if not small enough to fit in the barrels, take the whole mess to a landfill; composting the fibrous leaves and heart can be impossible unless you have a chipper that can deal with palm leaves. 
2. Dig out the 'pineapple' and roast it in an appropriate sized fire (please check local fire regulations first)  until it is heated through and through. Chop open the 'pineapple', scoop out the wet pulp (see the 'Cooking with a Broad' blog entry detailing this), strain it, ferment it, and enjoy the mexican alcoholic drink 'pulque'. After you've had your fill of pulque take your machete, raise it in the air and yell "MACHETE!" Make sure your machete is stashed away and your hands are out in the open when the police arrive.

Links:

1. "Eat the Weeds" blog entry on Agave edibility. 
2. The History of Pulque